Anniversaries

It stinks to have to couple an anniversary of a good thing with something you'd rather not remember.

Today is Seth's 2 year anniversary working for the electrical company he works for. It's a day to be celebrated (especially since it means 3 more paid holidays and some more vacation time.) It's a company he's proud to work for, so to tuck another year away under his belt is something to be proud of. He's really had a great experience working for this company. He started this job just a few months after college graduation, and a few months later, decided to apply for a better position within the company and got it! He works in a positive atmosphere with great christian bosses. It's ssssuper.

But, today is also the 1 year anniversary of the loss of our third child. That's something that I'd rather not remember, but something that I feel needs to be remembered. I need to revisit that day every so often to remind myself that I'm not in control. God is. He knew that there was something else in store for our family. It's hard to understand, but I know that he has a great plan for this one we're now anxiously anticipating.

If you've ever lost a child, it's debilitating. I don't remember a lot of the details from that day and the ones that immediately followed, but I can pick out some of the more vivid events: I remember being at work and feeling "crampy". I went to the bathroom and found out I was bleeding. I "took care of the situation" and went back to my desk to finish out the day. I don't know why I didn't just go home, I guess I just didn't want to draw attention to myself. I spent the rest of the day in a bit of a fog, just waiting for 2:00 to roll around so I could split. I don't really remember what happened between then and 7:45. I may have called Seth to come home early and help me with the kids, or taken a nap...but I remember watching a reality tv program in between trips to the bathroom. It was one of those where the participants are, one by one, voted out of the game by their peers. I remember watching one of the women on the show crying in front of the camera because she knew she was "next". I sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks thinking that "eviction" was such a stupid thing to be crying about. I was actually mad at this woman. Seth just held me and we cried together.

The next morning I called work to let them know I wouldn't be there and why. Then Seth called the clinic and made an appointment to come in. They told us to bring in what I can only remember as a cool whip container containing our hopes and dreams for this child we had only a week ago been thrilled to "meet" as the Dr. had miraculously detected an early heartbeat. I think I spent most of the day in bed, going from dozing to crying to dozing again. My world was spinning out of control and I was powerless to stop it. I felt as though no one cared. There wasn't going to be a memorial service or an obituary. There wasn't anything to do to memorialize this life that we had already loved. I cried out to God for answers, but all I felt was emptiness. I was mad that I couldn't control this situation on my own. I had to surrender my control and climb into his lap in order to feel comfort.

Even a year later, this loss is still fresh in my mind, but the pain is subdued with the anticipation of our newest family member. This child will never take the place of the one we lost, but it helps to soothe our souls knowing that God hasn't forgotten us. In return, we'll not forget the one we lost- one year ago today.